It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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