I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
sarcasm needs its own font
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
