I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
