Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
