So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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