Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
