My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Come see our sink grown plant.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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