i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
