I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
