just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
