this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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