im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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