I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
