im having a threesome with these popsicles
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
