how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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