Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
