I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
