There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
