then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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