she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize