remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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