theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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