wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
