listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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