It's like a parade of train wrecks.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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