do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
