Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize