Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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