Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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