Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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