I got chris browned last night
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
