I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize