The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
