We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize