I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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