yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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