He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
