you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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