I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
