After last night, I could never be a politician.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
