I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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