He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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