im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
