My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
