He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
