I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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