I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
When did angry sex become our thing?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
