I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
