am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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