I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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