You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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