remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
