Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
