Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
