But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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