This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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