You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
