Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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