I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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