I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
