here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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