dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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