did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
