does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
