I can text with my tongue
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
